Close call

My Department Head said I was incompetent and cruel to children and suggested I quit the profession yesterday. I thought the Vice Principals agreed with this assessment so I broke down crying last night and told Adrian I would listen to her advise. I spoke to one Vice Principal this morning and he seemed rather shocked by my decision and then I phoned my Union and asked about the process.

I was very fortunate to reach my Union and he convinced me to give it one more try and told me he would tell the VP I will not quit. I am to be firm with my students and keep a diary of what I am doing for a week and hand it in to him on November 8. I will begin by saying that my classes ran well today, because it is Halloween and I allowed them to watch Frankenstein. My Essentials kids do not fully understand that their marks are in jeapordy or perhaps they do not care.

I am to keep a detailed record of my strengths, weaknesses and other interactions with students and staff. I am also suppose to meet him tomorrow to discuss the VPs concern about my stress level. Take Care.
amanda

I feel like I can breathe...

It's been 19 days since I last wrote and the first time I feel like I can breathe. It started very simply. I thought I could handle the six hours of extra curricular activities, plan and mark lessons and prepare for my wedding. I would start booking appointments, but most were in Woodbridge, Vaughan and other parts of the GTA area. I would have to spend 2.5 hours travelling on public transit in the rain to meet with a venue or photographer and another 2.5 hours to come home. The long commutes and wandering in the rain eventually made me sick.

Now I was working with pneumonia and juggling work, extra curricular activities and wedding planning. I would arrive to work exhausted from all the commitments and trying to resolve issues with my parents that I would write simple instructions on the board. Then Paul died. I spent two and half weeks of just doing class work with the students and they became harder to manage. I had to spend more time with them in detentions and calling parents and meeting parents while working with pneumonia, creating and marking lessons, and still trying to manage the wedding plans. These detentions and appointments took so much time that I was no longer at rehearsals and no longer happy.

I rented a car for a week and booked as many appointments in the one week. I thought if I had settled on the major items for the wedding that I would no longer have to travel 5 hours a day to meet people for 20 minuites or one hour. I would have a better idea of how much money I would owe and not feel like my life was spiralling out of control. It was raining this week and we all know that once it rains, all the retarded people feel compelled to get in their cars and drive. My plan did not work as expected. Instead of saving four hours of commuting on a bus, I was now driving through bumper to bumper traffic.

Although my pneumonia diminished, I now had trouble breathing. I could be in class and suddenly my face would turn red (or purple according to my students) and they would tell me to leave to get some water. One of them would watch me walk down the hall to make sure I did not pass out. I think most of my stomach and chest pains and not being able to breathe was from stress. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to resolve the issues in my life, it would just get worse.

I also lost my wallet while booking the DJ and had to replace my driver's licence, OHIP, visa and debit cards. I was so scared when I didn't have any money at all and no access to it. Now I was trying to replace everything while working and figuring out the wedding. Although it was nice to have house guests like Fiona, I was slowly falling into a depression.

The Vice Principal started reprimanding me for being scatter-brained. I was already reprimanded three times for not creating effective lesons plans when I couldn't breathe that I was terrified to take any more time off just to get caught up on the marking which was rapidly piling up and taking care of the last minuite details. Despite the fact that I had the venue, DJ, and cake booked, I still felt worthless. I finally broke down and cried. Adrian awoke to the sound of me sobbing in the bathroom and for the first time I truly understood what Paul did.
I informed everyone I would take one day off work and by this time my co-workers were starting to get worried about me.

I took off Friday hoping to mark the whole day and just finish the last items...instead I drove around for eight hours and was only able to pay the deposit for the venue and book the flowers. Ellen came over that night with Mike and it was the first time in a long time that I truly felt happy. We booked our photographer and videographer on Saturday and went to a family gathering. It was nice to see my family and they had a cake for Adrian and I. I was so exhausted from the last 19 days I could hardly talk. I tried to finish everything on Sunday, but could not get through it all. I am taking today off work and plan to have it all done. I feel much better that I am getting through the marking quicker than expected. I finally feel like I can breathe.

Just when you thought it may slow down a bit...

I am slowly discovering why I really do not belong in the city and I should just move out of the country into a rural area. I need a break from my life and hope that thanksgiving will be more relaxing. I went to the bridal show on the weekend, which was fun. I got a chance to spend time with Krista and Adrian while discovering new ideas for our wedding. I also made time to call my parents and try to mend some of the tension in our family.

I arrived on Monday morning expecting it to be like any other morning. You could imagine my surprise when I found out that one of my co-workers had committed suicide. First period was insane, but I truly appreciate my kids. They had the emotional maturity to understand that this was a new and difficult time for everyone and therefore a chance for all of us to work together. I had spoken to my co-worker about his depression and our last conversation was me trying to convince him to go on with life. I still refuse to sit in his chair and have not changed the room since we last spoke. I like to think that he is still with us gazing out the window and staring at the pictures on the wall. I just attended his funeral today and have had two social workers check up on me to make sure I am handling his death well.

I feel most sorry for his wife who exchanged vows with him 81 days ago in the same church where they held the funeral. I also feel sorry for his mother and grandmother for no parent should see their child go before them. I am so exhausted yet I cannot sleep. I think overall I am doing fine since I have several positive aspects of my life to think about. The whole department and school is pulling together and I think we will make it out okay.