I feel like I can breathe...
It's been 19 days since I last wrote and the first time I feel like I can breathe. It started very simply. I thought I could handle the six hours of extra curricular activities, plan and mark lessons and prepare for my wedding. I would start booking appointments, but most were in Woodbridge, Vaughan and other parts of the GTA area. I would have to spend 2.5 hours travelling on public transit in the rain to meet with a venue or photographer and another 2.5 hours to come home. The long commutes and wandering in the rain eventually made me sick.
Now I was working with pneumonia and juggling work, extra curricular activities and wedding planning. I would arrive to work exhausted from all the commitments and trying to resolve issues with my parents that I would write simple instructions on the board. Then Paul died. I spent two and half weeks of just doing class work with the students and they became harder to manage. I had to spend more time with them in detentions and calling parents and meeting parents while working with pneumonia, creating and marking lessons, and still trying to manage the wedding plans. These detentions and appointments took so much time that I was no longer at rehearsals and no longer happy.
I rented a car for a week and booked as many appointments in the one week. I thought if I had settled on the major items for the wedding that I would no longer have to travel 5 hours a day to meet people for 20 minuites or one hour. I would have a better idea of how much money I would owe and not feel like my life was spiralling out of control. It was raining this week and we all know that once it rains, all the retarded people feel compelled to get in their cars and drive. My plan did not work as expected. Instead of saving four hours of commuting on a bus, I was now driving through bumper to bumper traffic.
Although my pneumonia diminished, I now had trouble breathing. I could be in class and suddenly my face would turn red (or purple according to my students) and they would tell me to leave to get some water. One of them would watch me walk down the hall to make sure I did not pass out. I think most of my stomach and chest pains and not being able to breathe was from stress. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to resolve the issues in my life, it would just get worse.
I also lost my wallet while booking the DJ and had to replace my driver's licence, OHIP, visa and debit cards. I was so scared when I didn't have any money at all and no access to it. Now I was trying to replace everything while working and figuring out the wedding. Although it was nice to have house guests like Fiona, I was slowly falling into a depression.
The Vice Principal started reprimanding me for being scatter-brained. I was already reprimanded three times for not creating effective lesons plans when I couldn't breathe that I was terrified to take any more time off just to get caught up on the marking which was rapidly piling up and taking care of the last minuite details. Despite the fact that I had the venue, DJ, and cake booked, I still felt worthless. I finally broke down and cried. Adrian awoke to the sound of me sobbing in the bathroom and for the first time I truly understood what Paul did.
I informed everyone I would take one day off work and by this time my co-workers were starting to get worried about me.
I took off Friday hoping to mark the whole day and just finish the last items...instead I drove around for eight hours and was only able to pay the deposit for the venue and book the flowers. Ellen came over that night with Mike and it was the first time in a long time that I truly felt happy. We booked our photographer and videographer on Saturday and went to a family gathering. It was nice to see my family and they had a cake for Adrian and I. I was so exhausted from the last 19 days I could hardly talk. I tried to finish everything on Sunday, but could not get through it all. I am taking today off work and plan to have it all done. I feel much better that I am getting through the marking quicker than expected. I finally feel like I can breathe.
Now I was working with pneumonia and juggling work, extra curricular activities and wedding planning. I would arrive to work exhausted from all the commitments and trying to resolve issues with my parents that I would write simple instructions on the board. Then Paul died. I spent two and half weeks of just doing class work with the students and they became harder to manage. I had to spend more time with them in detentions and calling parents and meeting parents while working with pneumonia, creating and marking lessons, and still trying to manage the wedding plans. These detentions and appointments took so much time that I was no longer at rehearsals and no longer happy.
I rented a car for a week and booked as many appointments in the one week. I thought if I had settled on the major items for the wedding that I would no longer have to travel 5 hours a day to meet people for 20 minuites or one hour. I would have a better idea of how much money I would owe and not feel like my life was spiralling out of control. It was raining this week and we all know that once it rains, all the retarded people feel compelled to get in their cars and drive. My plan did not work as expected. Instead of saving four hours of commuting on a bus, I was now driving through bumper to bumper traffic.
Although my pneumonia diminished, I now had trouble breathing. I could be in class and suddenly my face would turn red (or purple according to my students) and they would tell me to leave to get some water. One of them would watch me walk down the hall to make sure I did not pass out. I think most of my stomach and chest pains and not being able to breathe was from stress. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to resolve the issues in my life, it would just get worse.
I also lost my wallet while booking the DJ and had to replace my driver's licence, OHIP, visa and debit cards. I was so scared when I didn't have any money at all and no access to it. Now I was trying to replace everything while working and figuring out the wedding. Although it was nice to have house guests like Fiona, I was slowly falling into a depression.
The Vice Principal started reprimanding me for being scatter-brained. I was already reprimanded three times for not creating effective lesons plans when I couldn't breathe that I was terrified to take any more time off just to get caught up on the marking which was rapidly piling up and taking care of the last minuite details. Despite the fact that I had the venue, DJ, and cake booked, I still felt worthless. I finally broke down and cried. Adrian awoke to the sound of me sobbing in the bathroom and for the first time I truly understood what Paul did.
I informed everyone I would take one day off work and by this time my co-workers were starting to get worried about me.
I took off Friday hoping to mark the whole day and just finish the last items...instead I drove around for eight hours and was only able to pay the deposit for the venue and book the flowers. Ellen came over that night with Mike and it was the first time in a long time that I truly felt happy. We booked our photographer and videographer on Saturday and went to a family gathering. It was nice to see my family and they had a cake for Adrian and I. I was so exhausted from the last 19 days I could hardly talk. I tried to finish everything on Sunday, but could not get through it all. I am taking today off work and plan to have it all done. I feel much better that I am getting through the marking quicker than expected. I finally feel like I can breathe.
posted by Ophelia Pace at 1:18 AM
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