Wow, has it been that long?

Wow, I did not realize it has been so long since I posted something. It has been delightful meeting up with old friends that I have not seen in years and some new ones too. The weather has been perfect lately and I spend a great deal of time enjoying the outdoors. I have also lost some weight in my legs from the amount of walking up and down hills and through the transit system every day. lol. It is almost hard to capture everything that has happened in the last month.

Most of my updates are on Facebook in the profile line. Sometimes I change it two or three times a day depending on what is going on in my life. It is honestly the most accurate portrayal of how I feel on day to day basis and the quickest way to discover what is happening in my life. For example, I reunited with my friend Terry who I have not seen in five years. I saw Frank, Wally, Rosanna, Bernard, Mark, and Irena. I have been out with Fiona and Krista doing wedding shopping and even had a swan chase me around the harbourfront.

I saw Spiderman 3 and have a monopoly game now. I went to a surprise party for Ellen's engagement and will be seeing my cousin Laura to discuss hair and make up tomorrow. My mother is very involved in my wedding and seems excited about planning different things. My aunt is helping me do the favors while two of my uncles will help me set up the church.

I volunteer with my friend, Melissa, in a film company and will help her manage her office while she shoots movies and scouts locations overseas. It might be possible to get Frank's movie produced and that excites me too.

I celebrated my birthday by reuniting with a friend I had not seen since Grade 9 and we had a blast watching She-ra and catching up on old times. I had fun with my Italian side who met Adrian for the first time.

I am currently redoing my entire wedding, which can be stressful at times. I am enjoying it and have the help of some great people! I also enjoy watching tv and trying to catch my breath.

I had an MRI on Thursday that did not go so well. I had a tiny seizure and stroke while in the chambers. I began twitching and convulsing on the left side and my neurologist needs to read the report before following up with me. Other than that frightening experience, I am okay. I am tired now and must rest.

Cheers
amanda

exhaustion or epilepsy?

I use to enter "trances" all the time as a child and would often be found "daydreaming", but most of the time I attributed exhaustion as the reason for the timelapses in my life. For example, I might gaze out the window and stare at the rain washing over the land for what I think is only a second. I look down at my watch and realize an hour has gone by and I have no idea what has happened.

Yesterday, these timelapses were becoming more of a problem. I was sitting on the VIVA and heard the announcement for Centre Street and knew I had to get off on the next stop, Royal Orchard. The next thing I knew I was heading towards Richmond Hill and had to get off and backtrack.

I also sat on the subway coming home and I looked out the window to see Ossington written on the walls. I glanced down at the floor for what I thought was a second and suddenly I heard the announcement for Dundas West. I had to get off there too and back track. I was so confused and had no idea how I got from Ossington to Dundas West.

I usually have a routine where I listen for my stop approaching, ring the bell if I am on a bus OR stand up if I am on the subway, and wait for my stop to come. I had a problem of missing one stop in the past. Now I can't even do that because of these prolonged time lapses. I will book an appointment with my family physician to see if all I really do need is rest or has my withdrawl from the drugs caused epilpetic seizures or in essence, have I always had epilepsy?

My sixth sense is tingling...

It is not everyday that you discuss what it is like to live with a sixth sense. I recieved my test results from a Hearing and Balance test and it stated that I have permanent ear damage due to an infection in my left ear. There is a slight chance I also have a brain tumour and I am having an MRI done in May to confirm the true extent of my health.

One of the greatest shifts in my life occured while I was on vacation. I realized I am a Type B person who has conformed to the social pressures to be a Type A person. Type A people have the ambition, stamina, determination and personality traits needed to climb the corporate ladder and bathe their success. Type B people lack these traits, but find it much easier to adapt to life and find happiness in what they have accomplished.

If I were to look back on my life, I can rest assured that I have made my contributions to society and enjoyed my success. At 28 years old, I have performed in front of 15 000 people at the Skydome/Rogers Centre in Toronto, created my own theatre company, strolled along the red carpet with celebrities and papparrazzi, appeared briefly on Entertainment Tonight partying with VIPs in Hollywood, and created a successful provincial wide program that has changed the face of education in Ontario. Now all I want to do is embrace my Type B personality and there is no turning back now. In reality, it has always been my Type B personality that helped me overcome obstacles in life, adapt to new life changes and achieved a certain amount of success.

So it is with this new embrace that I also find it quite easy to adapt to my new health condition. It is always difficult in the beginning as you are never too sure how to relearn the simple things in life. I had the same joy and frustration relearning how to live without the use of my hands and wrists while in Australia, but at least I could see the cast upon my arm,wrist and hands and readjust. It is more tricky with balance for it is something you cannot see.

The damage means that I cannot see things move quickly in front of me or turn my head quickly. I have simply learnt to look away when watching things like 24 and using my other senses to tell me when the camera angles have settled and I can look at the tv again. I am learning how to do grocery shopping or visiting museums without shifting my head side to side, but focusing on one thing or closing my eyes when I do need to move my head quickly. I have learnt to stop looking at everyone in a group discussion, but rather focus on the main speaker and just listen to the others. I have learnt not to gaze out the window on a subway/bus/car, but rather look at the floor or celing or perhaps close my eyes and rest while in transport.

I think the most confusing yet rewarding thing was relearning how to use a computer. It is so embedded in our society to keep opening and closing windows, skimming/reading data and responding, quickly scrolling through text or photos and everything in between that it would be difficult for me to function with my condition in a working environment. I chose to join Facebook and spend a lot of time learning how to do data entry (posting facts online about photos or the news), reading or surfing info (profiles, groups, photos), and everything else in between. Facebook has been a positive experience that has allowed me to reunite with elementary, high school and university friends that I thought would have been lost in my past and also allow me to share photos with people as a way of getting caught up.

This new phenomena in the way we communicate and restructing the way we view society (thanks to my conversation with Andrea) has helped me ease my way into what I need to do for work while not making it feel like work. My next step will to return to my proactive approach in finding a job, but now I am taking pleasure in not job hunting. I want to know that my health has been restored and that I can adjust easily in my new lifestyle before entering the workforce. The last thing I need is to keep taking time off, because I keep getting sick, nauseous, disoriented, dizzy and the works.

The only thing I do regret is not being able to articulate this all to my friends initially and for always taking off early in gatherings, not participating in events and for never really having the money to do things. It must have appeared that I did not care or was acting strange when in reality I just had no idea how to deal with something I could not see and therefore it took a few punches and kicks in my health for me to start getting it right. My neurologist said I must get use to this new sixth sense and then told me not to laugh for we all have additional senses. He thinks I am on the right track.

Adrian has a full time job now at Value Village and spends a great amount of his time taking care of me while still having a life of his own. He has bought me a stuffed bear, rabbit and dog to keep me company while he is gone and I have bought many cheap books to keep my mind active and body relaxed.

My friend, Joyce, and I have been reunited on Facebook after she moved away to New York while we were in Grade 9. She will fly to Toronto for my birthday and we can get caught up in our lives.

Things have been much better now that I have shedded my Type A ways. It has always been at the urge of other Type A's that I needed to worry and constantly scurry around doing different things, when in reality there was no reason to get worked up about anything. Even my job situation is quite simple. People get screwed over everyday and Type A's should know this for they either had to or will have to walk over people/backstab/take advantage of certain opportunities in order to get where they are. I just happen to be one of those that have fallen in the standfire. Like I said, it happens everyday. It sucks and there are times when things may seem hopeless, but it is also life. The sooner we roll with our new found situations the happier we will be.

Until the next time we speak...
Peace, love and harmony
amanda

p.s. I am always on Facebook so best to find me there. lol.

Updates

HEALTH

My neurologist informed me that I have permanent damage in my left ear from a serious infection. It means that whenever I move my head quickly, I will become dizzy. He believes I am healthy overall, but also suspects I may have a tumor which is causing most of my problems. I am set to have an MRI done.

GOOD TIMES
I enjoyed hanging out with my family and seeing people on Facebook. It brings me great pleasure and I am happy that I have finally posted my pictures from Europe that I took 6 months ago. Irene found the Game of Life: Star Wars in her room and offered it to me. Adrian and I have already played it three to four times! LOL. Adrian and I also enjoyed a Night in the Museum and I am finally catching up on all my rest. I also worked at the BCE Place on Friday as a Receptionist/ Maintenance for Regus on the 26th and 27th floor. Now I just need to finish cleaning my apartment. lol.

Some good news

It is delightful to report that Adrian recieved a job offer for a Supervisor in Training position at Value Village. It pays $14.50 an hour so we can stay in our apartment for a while or search for a new place to live. Most importantly, it gives me a few days rest from the job search so that I can recover from my burn out. I have had interviews at placement agencies and some look promising.

I also had a lovely time with my mother after one of the interviews. We met up for lunch and went shopping (although I knew that I should have rested it was still fun). I also had a lovely dinner with my extended family for Chinese New Year and it was great to see my cousin, Justin, who arrived from California for a weekend visit. We all laughed and shared stories, but the one moment that almost brought Adrian and I to tears is when my Aunt Choi and Christine gave Adrian the little red envelopes. Adrian whispered that he felt like he was adopted so the gesture meant a great deal to us. It is rare that Adrian feels a part of anything, so thank you to my family for that moment. I also want to thank my Aunt Terry and cousin Laura for helping me out with the impending legal matters.

I also love watching the Oscars and it was great to see people who deserve the award were given merit for their craft. I literally screamed with joy when Martin Scorsee won for best director and best picture. He has waited years for that recognition and I am glad the academy finally gave it to him. Perhaps Peter O'Toole and Leo will get their recognition one day too. I guess you could say that watching all the montages reminds me of my true passion - film. It brightens my day. I guess you could also say that watching Marty finally win reminds me that patience truly is a virtue. Things may seem dreary and dark now...and God knows there are moments when death truly feels like the most serene thing in the world, but if I hang in there..all the injustices will fade and I will have my moment of glory.

Well, I must rest now. Talk to you soon.

Movies and Happiness

Sometimes we forget about the simple things that make us happy. I still recall the thrill and exhilaration of turning a doorknob after spending months in a cast for my broken wrists. I discovered some innovative and creative ways of doing simple things in life such as eating, showering, washing my hair, typing and so forth...but I was never able to turn a doorknob. I actually began to cry tears of joy when I could open and close my front door.

I share that same feeling now. I am so happy that I have a bed to sleep in at night (and it is my bed too!) I am happy that I have my own kitchen with my own plates and cutlery. I am happy that I have food in my cupboard, drawers and fridge. I am happy that I have clothes to wash, dry, fold and put away. I am happy that I have access to speak to you now on the internet and that I pay for this service. I am equally happy that I have a computer and keyboard to type. There are so many marvellous things in my apartment such as towels, hair dryers, facial wash, body wash, lotion, q-tips, maxipads, shampoo and scrubs. There are blankets, sheets, pillows and games. There are laptops, notebooks, pens, binders and paper. There is a printer/scanner/ photocopier, playstation 2 and dvd recorder. There is a wealth of books and neocitrans.

I feel like a queen in my own castle. I am more happy because there is enough electricity to illuminate it and enough water for me to wash myself and dishes. What more could a person ask for? Sometimes we need movies to remind us of our luxories and to remind us that even in our darkest hours, we still have something. If you are wondering what movie has inspired me so greatly, it is The Pursuit of Happyness.

I also enjoyed watching Click as I have come across the problem that years seem to float by as I sail on autopilot and life strolls along without me. I am also glad that I have taken moments to stop and enjoy things along the way. I enjoyed A Scanner Darkly, but you need to be in a philosophical mood to watch that one and perhaps not so depressed since (like The Pursuit of Happyness) it is based on a novel that reflects true events. I think the most mediocre film was De Niro's A Good Shepard.

I respect De Niro as much as I do Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie, but I thought De Niro would have demanded more character development from his screenwriters. The only time we see Jolie is when she throws a brief fit and cries before vanishing from the screen. De Niro makes a few cameo performances and Damon's character never truly evolves or declines. He remains at the same plateau during the whole movie. The only thing that we can see is that Damon's character is suppose to be love torn as he seems to sleep with his fair share of women and proclaiming love to most.

Well it is nearly 9pm and Adrian is still not home. I must give him a call.

Health, Job Hunt and More

It has been a while since I last updated my blog and so there are a few things I have yet to mention.

FRIENDS AND DREAMS
I continue to have these dreams that haunt me at night where I feel that I am vanishing and disappearing from all my loved ones. For some reason, I really feel that I must call Ellen : ) Perhaps it is because I feel that I should be working more on staying in touch with my best friends.

HEALTH
The good news is that the neurologist could not find anything spectacular about my health, but did notice that my balance was off. He made an appointment with the Hearing and Balance Centre at the Toront General Hospital. I went to my physiotherapist (a bit embarrased that I was not strong enough to keep up with the exercises) and he agreed that my right side of the body was affected by a balance problem. I do not walk as well either so he gave me a few exercises to do (which I am also ashamed of not doing due to my painful broken toe).

I went to the Hearing and Balance test and the administrator was scared that my left side did not respond to any stimuli. She poured cold and hot liquids into my ears as well as make me participate in a few sensory exercises all while having electrodes on my face. The right side was greatly disturbed by the cool water and I felt like I was spirialing up and down through a black abyss while spinning in all diferent directions. The left ear felt nothing, but a few moments of uncomfortable water. She said that there is something wrong with the left part of my brain and therefore that is why I suffer problems on the right side, but I will know more details in two weeks.

JOB HUNT
Adrian and I gave our termination notice of our apartment lease just in case we cannot land a job by the end of March. I have an interview tomorrow and he has had four lately, including one from CIBC.

CARTOONS
I am most happy when I am around Adrian. He takes care of me despite my crying fits and there are times when I feel like we are children once again. We play games together and lately we have watched a few cartoons Wally burned for us. They are all from our childhood and they range from Transformers, Robotech, Voltron, Star Wars Ewocks, Heman, She-Ra, and my favorite Gummi Bears *starts singing the show tune*

THE SAGA CONTINUES
I went to my doctor to refill my prescription for my anti-depressants and to get my doctor to sign my E.I. form. The E.I has made a decision on part of my claims and will give me money from December to February for my illness, but is unsure about my quitting. I was asked by E.I to write a detailed letter as the E.I lady seemed quite outraged by the antics at the board and union.

My doctor was so outraged that he called the Human Rights Commission. The Human Rights Commission told me I had to speak with the head office at OECTA, then write a letter to the Labour Relations department, contact a lawyer and then come back to the Human Rights. The lady at the HR finds the whole situation appalling and wants me to take some serious measures to make it right.

LAST WORDS
Although it is true that I am suicidal at times and do cry, it is often Adrian that rushes towards me with words of comfort and warm hugs to reassure me that all will be well. I still have to believe that all will be well in the end and to continue singing, smiling and hopefully one day dancing.