exhaustion or epilepsy?

I use to enter "trances" all the time as a child and would often be found "daydreaming", but most of the time I attributed exhaustion as the reason for the timelapses in my life. For example, I might gaze out the window and stare at the rain washing over the land for what I think is only a second. I look down at my watch and realize an hour has gone by and I have no idea what has happened.

Yesterday, these timelapses were becoming more of a problem. I was sitting on the VIVA and heard the announcement for Centre Street and knew I had to get off on the next stop, Royal Orchard. The next thing I knew I was heading towards Richmond Hill and had to get off and backtrack.

I also sat on the subway coming home and I looked out the window to see Ossington written on the walls. I glanced down at the floor for what I thought was a second and suddenly I heard the announcement for Dundas West. I had to get off there too and back track. I was so confused and had no idea how I got from Ossington to Dundas West.

I usually have a routine where I listen for my stop approaching, ring the bell if I am on a bus OR stand up if I am on the subway, and wait for my stop to come. I had a problem of missing one stop in the past. Now I can't even do that because of these prolonged time lapses. I will book an appointment with my family physician to see if all I really do need is rest or has my withdrawl from the drugs caused epilpetic seizures or in essence, have I always had epilepsy?

My sixth sense is tingling...

It is not everyday that you discuss what it is like to live with a sixth sense. I recieved my test results from a Hearing and Balance test and it stated that I have permanent ear damage due to an infection in my left ear. There is a slight chance I also have a brain tumour and I am having an MRI done in May to confirm the true extent of my health.

One of the greatest shifts in my life occured while I was on vacation. I realized I am a Type B person who has conformed to the social pressures to be a Type A person. Type A people have the ambition, stamina, determination and personality traits needed to climb the corporate ladder and bathe their success. Type B people lack these traits, but find it much easier to adapt to life and find happiness in what they have accomplished.

If I were to look back on my life, I can rest assured that I have made my contributions to society and enjoyed my success. At 28 years old, I have performed in front of 15 000 people at the Skydome/Rogers Centre in Toronto, created my own theatre company, strolled along the red carpet with celebrities and papparrazzi, appeared briefly on Entertainment Tonight partying with VIPs in Hollywood, and created a successful provincial wide program that has changed the face of education in Ontario. Now all I want to do is embrace my Type B personality and there is no turning back now. In reality, it has always been my Type B personality that helped me overcome obstacles in life, adapt to new life changes and achieved a certain amount of success.

So it is with this new embrace that I also find it quite easy to adapt to my new health condition. It is always difficult in the beginning as you are never too sure how to relearn the simple things in life. I had the same joy and frustration relearning how to live without the use of my hands and wrists while in Australia, but at least I could see the cast upon my arm,wrist and hands and readjust. It is more tricky with balance for it is something you cannot see.

The damage means that I cannot see things move quickly in front of me or turn my head quickly. I have simply learnt to look away when watching things like 24 and using my other senses to tell me when the camera angles have settled and I can look at the tv again. I am learning how to do grocery shopping or visiting museums without shifting my head side to side, but focusing on one thing or closing my eyes when I do need to move my head quickly. I have learnt to stop looking at everyone in a group discussion, but rather focus on the main speaker and just listen to the others. I have learnt not to gaze out the window on a subway/bus/car, but rather look at the floor or celing or perhaps close my eyes and rest while in transport.

I think the most confusing yet rewarding thing was relearning how to use a computer. It is so embedded in our society to keep opening and closing windows, skimming/reading data and responding, quickly scrolling through text or photos and everything in between that it would be difficult for me to function with my condition in a working environment. I chose to join Facebook and spend a lot of time learning how to do data entry (posting facts online about photos or the news), reading or surfing info (profiles, groups, photos), and everything else in between. Facebook has been a positive experience that has allowed me to reunite with elementary, high school and university friends that I thought would have been lost in my past and also allow me to share photos with people as a way of getting caught up.

This new phenomena in the way we communicate and restructing the way we view society (thanks to my conversation with Andrea) has helped me ease my way into what I need to do for work while not making it feel like work. My next step will to return to my proactive approach in finding a job, but now I am taking pleasure in not job hunting. I want to know that my health has been restored and that I can adjust easily in my new lifestyle before entering the workforce. The last thing I need is to keep taking time off, because I keep getting sick, nauseous, disoriented, dizzy and the works.

The only thing I do regret is not being able to articulate this all to my friends initially and for always taking off early in gatherings, not participating in events and for never really having the money to do things. It must have appeared that I did not care or was acting strange when in reality I just had no idea how to deal with something I could not see and therefore it took a few punches and kicks in my health for me to start getting it right. My neurologist said I must get use to this new sixth sense and then told me not to laugh for we all have additional senses. He thinks I am on the right track.

Adrian has a full time job now at Value Village and spends a great amount of his time taking care of me while still having a life of his own. He has bought me a stuffed bear, rabbit and dog to keep me company while he is gone and I have bought many cheap books to keep my mind active and body relaxed.

My friend, Joyce, and I have been reunited on Facebook after she moved away to New York while we were in Grade 9. She will fly to Toronto for my birthday and we can get caught up in our lives.

Things have been much better now that I have shedded my Type A ways. It has always been at the urge of other Type A's that I needed to worry and constantly scurry around doing different things, when in reality there was no reason to get worked up about anything. Even my job situation is quite simple. People get screwed over everyday and Type A's should know this for they either had to or will have to walk over people/backstab/take advantage of certain opportunities in order to get where they are. I just happen to be one of those that have fallen in the standfire. Like I said, it happens everyday. It sucks and there are times when things may seem hopeless, but it is also life. The sooner we roll with our new found situations the happier we will be.

Until the next time we speak...
Peace, love and harmony
amanda

p.s. I am always on Facebook so best to find me there. lol.