Our first visitor, nothing days, sickness, explanations and apologies
Adrian and I had our first visitor since we set up our place on Friday - Adrienne! She called us and asked if she could come over. It was so great to see her and take her out to Corso Italia. It felt like a real home where you can just sit on a couch with a long time family friend and just talk. She had just finished going to the Health job fair and had this huge bag of information that she wanted to drop off home before going out again. I did feel a wee bad that we kept her so long that she could not go home to change.
The weekend was perfect. Adrian and I had our first nothing days. We just lazed around talking, giggling, playing, watching tv, cooking and just relaxing. I have been sick lately and I was trying to restrain from taking another sick day from work so early on in the year. I've had slight problems breathing and I wanted to check it out first. We both had so much fun and were delriously happy just spending time together.
I also met up with a friend of mine yesterday. They had read the blog and were trying to help me mend things with my parents. They had suggested the four of us go out to dinner together or perhaps one day my parents would have a change of heart. I began to explain how Adrian and I wanted a dinner together and twice my parents refused. I also shared my thoughts and theories on the issue.
My parents and I love each other and care deeply for one another. I have never questioned their devotion to me nor have I questioned how much they love me. There is no way my mother would go around ironing my clothes and packing them in bags if she didn't love me. There is no way my father would offer a shoe rack if he didn't love me. Despite our estrangement, I would not talk or reach out to them if I did not love them. I think the love is well established.
My theory is that they love me too much and cannot let go of their only child. My friend had mentioned that they have an only child and they would want to see their child set free once they could stand on their own two feet and defend themselves. They would want to see their child pursue a life of happiness. The person found the whole issue quite perplexing, especially the reason for why they had banned Adrian from their house and for treating us in that fashion for two years. The conclusion was to allow my parents to make the first move and to show me they are genuine in their approach that they want to build upon this relationship. I could not agree more.
I often talk about how much I changed while in Ireland and Scotland and perhaps this is one opportunity to explain what I meant. Since we are talking about parenthood, I will use an example from two different parenting techniques. There comes a time when the parents must prepare their new born baby for a transition between the parental bed and the crib. Some parents and scholars claim that the parent should set the baby in the crib and allow it to cry all night without attending to it once. Other parents and scholars say that they prefer to set the baby in the crib, but if the baby continues to cry the parent should discover what the problem might be...just in case there is a health crisis or some kind of emergency. Before going to Ireland, I was the parent who would rush to the crying baby and now I am the parent who lets it cry.
I think all parenting techniques are valid. Although I do think my parents are incapable of being truly happy for me, it has nothing to do with good or bad parenting. I think every parent believes they are taking the right course of action and that what they are doing is best for the child. I just don't agree with every tactic. I think there are different approaches and like I had mentioned earlier, my views on parenting have changed.
If you are wondering why I think my parents are incapable of being truly happy for me, the answer is quite simple. In order to be truly happy for someone, you must acknowledge that thier passion for that thing or person is equal or greater than their passion for you. For example, I am truly happy that my dad is going to Egypt. I can acknowledge that his passion for Egypt is equal to his passion towards his family. I want to see him pursue his childhood dreams, scholarly quests and adventures. I think my parents always had a hard time letting go or acknowledging that there could be something or someone that rivals my passion for them. This passion would also indicate that I don't need only them anymore to be truly happy and that I can be truly happy with them and something else or someone. I just don't agree with their choices, but I do think they are valid nonetheless. I also want to make it clear that you can respect people for their choices and not place a judgeement on whether they are good or bad, but still not agree with them. The previous blog was there to simply explain the choices my parents have made and why I do not agree with them - not place blame on them for the choices they did make.
Now to try to explain the guest list situation for the last time. Imagine you have a co-worker you have known for two years. Everyday you comment on thier partner as asshole/bitch, dummy, loser, idiot, user, or piece of shit. Every two weeks you mention that you are going to save money for their divorce and not their wedding. Would you expect a wedding invitation from your co-worker? Now if the answer is no, then why would you expect one from your only child? I highly doubt my parents think that their co-workers deserve more respect than their only child. I highly doubt that my parents think they raised a child without any sense of self respect or dignity. The only question would be is do parents get an automatic pass for simply saying they want to come to the wedding? I say no. If I wanted to attend my co-workers wedding, then I would have to take a series of steps to prove that I genuinely want to go and that I would not exhibit the same behaviour I have used constantly for the past two years. If I would take those steps for my co-worker, then why wouldn't I do it for my family?
Now I have been recently informed that my previous blog had hurt my parent's feelings and the Chinese side as well. I do want to make a heart felt apology for hurting both parties as it was not my intention. It should be noted that I did extend an open invitation to my parents once I thought they could prove beyond reasonable doubt that they could attend unsupervised and be genuinely happy for me. This offer still stands. Although I want to take my cousin's advice full heartly as I do respect and trust her greatly, it still too soon to extend an unconditonal open invitation. Weddings are precious celebrations of the couple's new life and union together and they deserve to be surrounded only by people who are genuninely happy for them. Once again, I do want to apologize for offending anyone as it was not my intent.
The weekend was perfect. Adrian and I had our first nothing days. We just lazed around talking, giggling, playing, watching tv, cooking and just relaxing. I have been sick lately and I was trying to restrain from taking another sick day from work so early on in the year. I've had slight problems breathing and I wanted to check it out first. We both had so much fun and were delriously happy just spending time together.
I also met up with a friend of mine yesterday. They had read the blog and were trying to help me mend things with my parents. They had suggested the four of us go out to dinner together or perhaps one day my parents would have a change of heart. I began to explain how Adrian and I wanted a dinner together and twice my parents refused. I also shared my thoughts and theories on the issue.
My parents and I love each other and care deeply for one another. I have never questioned their devotion to me nor have I questioned how much they love me. There is no way my mother would go around ironing my clothes and packing them in bags if she didn't love me. There is no way my father would offer a shoe rack if he didn't love me. Despite our estrangement, I would not talk or reach out to them if I did not love them. I think the love is well established.
My theory is that they love me too much and cannot let go of their only child. My friend had mentioned that they have an only child and they would want to see their child set free once they could stand on their own two feet and defend themselves. They would want to see their child pursue a life of happiness. The person found the whole issue quite perplexing, especially the reason for why they had banned Adrian from their house and for treating us in that fashion for two years. The conclusion was to allow my parents to make the first move and to show me they are genuine in their approach that they want to build upon this relationship. I could not agree more.
I often talk about how much I changed while in Ireland and Scotland and perhaps this is one opportunity to explain what I meant. Since we are talking about parenthood, I will use an example from two different parenting techniques. There comes a time when the parents must prepare their new born baby for a transition between the parental bed and the crib. Some parents and scholars claim that the parent should set the baby in the crib and allow it to cry all night without attending to it once. Other parents and scholars say that they prefer to set the baby in the crib, but if the baby continues to cry the parent should discover what the problem might be...just in case there is a health crisis or some kind of emergency. Before going to Ireland, I was the parent who would rush to the crying baby and now I am the parent who lets it cry.
I think all parenting techniques are valid. Although I do think my parents are incapable of being truly happy for me, it has nothing to do with good or bad parenting. I think every parent believes they are taking the right course of action and that what they are doing is best for the child. I just don't agree with every tactic. I think there are different approaches and like I had mentioned earlier, my views on parenting have changed.
If you are wondering why I think my parents are incapable of being truly happy for me, the answer is quite simple. In order to be truly happy for someone, you must acknowledge that thier passion for that thing or person is equal or greater than their passion for you. For example, I am truly happy that my dad is going to Egypt. I can acknowledge that his passion for Egypt is equal to his passion towards his family. I want to see him pursue his childhood dreams, scholarly quests and adventures. I think my parents always had a hard time letting go or acknowledging that there could be something or someone that rivals my passion for them. This passion would also indicate that I don't need only them anymore to be truly happy and that I can be truly happy with them and something else or someone. I just don't agree with their choices, but I do think they are valid nonetheless. I also want to make it clear that you can respect people for their choices and not place a judgeement on whether they are good or bad, but still not agree with them. The previous blog was there to simply explain the choices my parents have made and why I do not agree with them - not place blame on them for the choices they did make.
Now to try to explain the guest list situation for the last time. Imagine you have a co-worker you have known for two years. Everyday you comment on thier partner as asshole/bitch, dummy, loser, idiot, user, or piece of shit. Every two weeks you mention that you are going to save money for their divorce and not their wedding. Would you expect a wedding invitation from your co-worker? Now if the answer is no, then why would you expect one from your only child? I highly doubt my parents think that their co-workers deserve more respect than their only child. I highly doubt that my parents think they raised a child without any sense of self respect or dignity. The only question would be is do parents get an automatic pass for simply saying they want to come to the wedding? I say no. If I wanted to attend my co-workers wedding, then I would have to take a series of steps to prove that I genuinely want to go and that I would not exhibit the same behaviour I have used constantly for the past two years. If I would take those steps for my co-worker, then why wouldn't I do it for my family?
Now I have been recently informed that my previous blog had hurt my parent's feelings and the Chinese side as well. I do want to make a heart felt apology for hurting both parties as it was not my intention. It should be noted that I did extend an open invitation to my parents once I thought they could prove beyond reasonable doubt that they could attend unsupervised and be genuinely happy for me. This offer still stands. Although I want to take my cousin's advice full heartly as I do respect and trust her greatly, it still too soon to extend an unconditonal open invitation. Weddings are precious celebrations of the couple's new life and union together and they deserve to be surrounded only by people who are genuninely happy for them. Once again, I do want to apologize for offending anyone as it was not my intent.
posted by Ophelia Pace at 4:06 AM
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